Double Vision

Love is a many-splendored thing?

2011-08-20T01:08:00.000-07:00

Honestly, I have thought of many topics to blog about in the past two months, but have had neither the time nor energy to do so. This summer has not really turned out to be anything I expected it to be. But then again I don't really know what I expected. There have been challenges and disappointments I could never have predicted. The uncertainty and unsteadiness I feel during summertime remained a mystery to me until my all-knowing father pointed out summer is the time of year I have the least stability, the least community, the least of things I've come to know so well. But there has also been joy, and some of the most beautiful moments seasoned with orange sunlight, laughter, good food, new adventures, and dear friends.

I would consider myself a deep thinker, but not a full out philosopher by any means. However, a number of heavy issues, problems, ideas, and realizations have been plopped in my lap begging to be figured out in the past three months. And unfortunately I can't find the answers. Thank God for my parents, who have lovingly given their own wise perspectives on all of my questions, and for Em, who is an incredible sounding board and wellspring of advice all her own. Seriously, how did she get to be so smart? And how was I blessed with such wonderful people in my life?

This shouldn't really be a realization to me anymore, because I feel like it happens at least once every few months, but I will never have it all figured out. There will always be something that shakes me, shifts my perspective, scrambles my future, rattles my resolution, and puts a question mark in the place of my period. There almost isn't an aspect of my life I haven't rethought this summer. I thought I wanted to work in development abroad, but through my interaction with the homeless community of Aurora, my eyes have been opened to how much need there is a mile from me. I thought I was going to work at Agros for a year, and possibly longer if my dreams came true and I got offered a job there after graduation, but my time with them was sadly cut to two months, throwing my stepping stone future into stormy chaos. I thought I wanted to be married by the time I was twenty-two, having kids a couple years later. Here I am, on the cusp of my twenty-first birthday, and my idea of love and marriage has been torn to shreds, waiting to be constructed again. I haven't been able to rebuild it, strangely enough, even though I am surrounded by incredibly loving people. Whether I'm unable to build because of a lack of experience or growing cynicism, is still yet to be decided.

Yes, I am only twenty years old. I understand I am young and people twice or three times my age have more stability but still question things. It's just difficult to keep perspective when people you grew up with and played in the sandbox with and had sleepovers with are getting married and starting families and careers. Sorry to go all Peter Pan, but I never want to grow up.

There is something to be said for the wild, untamed, and free life. Actually, I think there is a LOT to be said for it. Utter freedom has always appealed to me. Independence is so important to me and so integral to who I am. More than anything else, I find myself thinking it would be bliss to pack my backpack and jet off to Africa or South America, my dream job waiting on the other end of a grueling plane ride. Making my own decisions, seeing people grow, exploring new cities, foraging new landscapes, experiencing new cultures: these are the actions my heart lives and breathes.

But there is still that one desire standing alone in the corner, strangely audible over every other dream clamoring for attention. Companionship. Although I highly value independence, I just wish there is someone out there I could be independent with. That's really all I want. That, and so many other things. But I'm working on convincing myself the other things don't matter.

It's probably impossible to be independent with someone else, but the idea of two people united together, promising never to separate, discovering their own unique path through this incredible world and seeking God's calling in their lives, seems to be all you can ask of love.

Patient Trust

2011-05-30T13:17:00.000-07:00

This poem was posted by my lovely friend Katy (I'm beyond delighted she recently christened her blog the ringing grooves of change), and Teilhard de Chardin's words rang so true for where I am at in my life right now. I so badly want this stage of my life to be over, for studying my brains out to finish, to move onto the next adventure, to travel the globe again, but I need to savor the present. This Memorial Day weekend was a lovely way to live, Carpe Diem style. These sunny days have been reminders of relaxation, fellowship, exploration, and love. Victoria, B.C. is a beautiful sea city, and traversing its quaint streets and shops with two women so dear to my heart was a good reminder of how blessed I am. We are ridiculous together, I love how much we laugh. Thanks Memorial Day, for giving us an extra day of rest. Thanks Anna and Em, for taking to the time to be intentional with me. Thanks Katy, for showing me these beautiful words. And thanks Pierre, for writing them.

Patient Trust

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.

We are quite naturally impatient in everything to reach the end without delay.  We should like to skip the intermediate stages.  We are impatient of being on the way to something  unknown, something new.  And yet it is the law of all progress  that it is made by passing through some stages of instability— and that it may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you;  your ideas mature gradually—let them grow,  let them shape themselves, without undue haste.  Don’t try to force them on,  as though you could be today what time  (that is to say, grace and circumstances  acting on your own good will) will make of you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit  gradually forming within you will be.  Give Our Lord the benefit of believing  that his hand is leading you,  and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself  in suspense and incomplete.

—Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, SJ

Green

2011-05-13T14:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I forget the rain is a catalyst for beauty. It's so easy to get grumpy and negative and mean because the sun isn't shining. Earlier this week it was raining a lot, coming down much heavier than normal. (Because let's face it, Seattle's rain is just wimpy sprinkling...we don't have real rain.) My heart shriveled inside me and I got cranky and ungrateful and stubborn. Homework is stupid. School is stupid. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep. But then I came back to my apartment, defiantly logged into Facebook and saw Mama Dahlstrom's status:

Reality check fellow-Seattleites: Thankfully our neighborhoods and city most-likely won't be leveled, flooded or torn apart by this cold, gray drizzle. Don't succumb to the gloom. Eat dinner by candlelight tonight and pray for those less fortunate.

BAM. (That was the sound of truth whacking me upside the head). Everything I've been learning about developing nations and abject poverty and natural disasters and disease, death, abuse, EVERYTHING about the reality we live in that holds the world in tension between what is and what should be, came swooping back into my consciousness.

So, Em and I enjoyed our garlic parmesan chicken and asparagus by the light of a single candle.

I remember looking out our sliding glass door and remarking to Anna, "The rain makes everything so sharp, so green." Our street did look like a scene out of an apocalyptic movie; the green trees and shrubbery and grass looked as if someone had turned the contrast on high, everything bathed in an eerie red-gold light streaming through the clouds insulating our city like a low-hanging grey blanket.

And then there's today, a different kind of beauty: leaves of blossoming trees alternating between translucent lime and shadowy spinach, depending on how the sunlight hits them. The many shades of green are definitely favorites.

And yet, the green wouldn't be so radiant without the rain.

You can digest this post however you like, but it's not really a metaphor. It isn't a subtle commentary on life. It's just an ode to beauty, and the never-ending seasons that come with it.

Turning Tables

2011-05-02T15:49:00.000-07:00

Next time I'll be braver,

I'll be my own savior,

When the thunder calls for me.

Next time I'll be braver,

I'll be my own savior,

Standing on my own two feet.

---

Adele has been on repeat inside my head for the past week. I think I've peaked the mountain of homework, but I still have to somehow keep from speeding downhill at an unmanageable speed.

I wish I had energy to give you, to invest in you, to love you, but I can't. I'm sorry. I'm trying, but I just can't. My heart is tired from carrying you, and I can't seem to set you down. So I apologize for my arms lying limp at my sides, my mouth surprisingly silent, but I've already strapped you to my soul. I'm sorry if I don't lavish you with words of encouragement or coffee dates or phone calls or touch, but a piece of my heart is continuously consumed with you. I'm sorry if you think I don't care or don't have time to care, but I already am. My heart breaks with yours. But to break outwardly as well as inwardly would destroy me.

And if it wouldn't be too much to ask, do you think you could love me?

Juxtaposition

2011-04-22T22:09:00.000-07:00

I have never observed such juxtaposition in my life as I have within the past few weeks.

Spring break was glorious - sun, friends, good food, dog walking, books, movies, baths, convertibles. But that relaxation only lasted for a brief ten days.
First week back was rough, for numerous reasons, some of which I haven't fully identified. For one thing I hit the ground running. The beginning of spring quarter was a bit like a slap in the face. Add the poor life choice of seeing All My Sons and Black Swan on the same day and burn out resulted. (All My Sons was absolutely fabulous though, it was amazing to see my favorite play on the stage.)
Last weekend was beautiful. University Ministries Women's Retreat to Camp Casey was one of the best spiritual experiences I've ever had. Learning about dozens of different prayer styles, about just being in God's presence, about the beauty of and necessity for a soul to have solitude and silence was incredible and spoke so much peace into my life. Not to mention the ten women who participated were just fabulous. Deb and Lindy were wonderful teachers, both so fun and so nurturing. I'm so glad I can call them friends and give them hugs and sit on their visitor couches. Last weekend was good - eating delicious food, sharing souls, walking the beach, sitting in God's presence, praying with prayer beads, praying a labyrinth, experiencing monastic life, leaving my worries, living in his arms.
Five days later, and where did all my peace go? Less and less sleep makes me more and more critical, more and more frustrated. Cutting out all fun time, all God time, all down time might make me more efficient, but so miserable. Caring for people and ignoring the need to be cared for. Pushing myself like I've never pushed before. Something's got to give. And it did. My sanity, stability. Dialing home and desperately hoping to hear one of the voices I trust most in my life. Thank God my dad decided to stay up late tonight. His "Hello?" on the phone was all it took to trigger my outpour. I'm so tired. I think I bit off more than I can chew. I've been giving my all and I still can't do everything at the level I want to do it. I've achieved a whole new tier of exhaustion, and it's not too fun. I can't thank God enough for my dad's wisdom and patience to work through every facet of my life. His words of truth soothed.

Sometimes it's just nice to talk to someone who is slightly removed from your life, who can look in with a different perspective and not judge you for your feelings or opinions.

"You can't change your friends or interfere with their business with God, but you can change yourself and your relationship with God."

Mom

2011-04-09T21:23:00.000-07:00

Although quite some time ago (good golly time is just flying these days), my mom had her birthday on the 25th of March. Happy belated birthday Mommy, I desperately wish I could've been with you to bake you an angel food cake and give you a day off. And despite what the world says, you are not old. Not one bit. Age isn't measured by years, but by how you live your life, and you are young at heart. And besides, you really don't look a day older than 30, you and dad both look so good! (Seriously though, I'm not kidding).

There is no one I wish could teleport more than my mom. We always do the little things together, things that aren't very fun when she's not doing them with me. Like shopping, and running errands, and cooking, and playing cards, and watching movies, and dancing to oldies (Michael Jackson or Earth Wind and Fire are the best), and taking walks, and washing the dog, and driving in our clown car, and talking. I wish we could have mother-daughter dates. And one day I know we'll be able to, but right now Skype dates will supplement, and I'm thankful I can see her beautiful face.

No one has showed me how to be a strong and independent woman more than my mom. There is an amazing strength in her I like to think I inherited a piece of. She knows her mind and is not afraid to share it. Sometimes I wish I had my mom's passion because she sticks by her convictions no matter what. She is one of the most loyal people I've ever encountered in my life, and she loves my dad, my brother and I so deeply. She does so much, from grading 50 freshmen papers to cooking delicious meals to doing copious amounts of laundry for the boys of the house who dirty clothing at a ridiculous rate. The possible paths she could have chosen are numerous: a singer, an actress, a teacher, an administrator. But she chose to be my mom. Now, who knows if she actually knew what she was getting herself into! My brother and I could not have been easy to raise, nor my dad easy to live with at times, but she chose our family, to honor us with her love and service.

It's been interesting to see how our relationship has changed since I left home. I know it wasn't easy for either of us, but having distance from something you always took for granted can help you realize how lucky you are. All I know is I have the best mom in this world, and it wasn't my choice. It was my mom's and God's. And I'm forever thankful to both of them.

So happy birthday, Mom. I am so thankful you're my mother, and I'm so glad you're my friend.

Thanks

2011-03-20T17:44:00.000-07:00

Today, I am thankful for the sunshine, for Anna, for Bethany Community Church, for the crack in my own stubbornness, for the Holy Spirit, for Richard, for prayer, for books, for hot chocolate, for Green Lake, for narrating the thoughts of every dog we saw, for wood fired pizza, for Modern Family, for heated blankets, for Ingrid Michaelson, and for love.

Because sometimes just being held is enough.

And tomorrow, I will put my confidence in God. Because I can do a lot on my own, but I cannot do what I most desire to do, without Jesus.

Dad

2011-03-10T23:17:00.000-08:00

My dad's birthday was five days ago. I mistakenly thought he was one year younger than he actually was. It was in all honesty an accident, no matter how much it seemed I was just trying to get on his good side. :)

Allow me tell you a little known fact: my dad is the best dad ever. I know so many daughters around the world say this, but in my case, it's 100% true. He is an incredible father, husband, friend, leader, educator, and is a role model for so many he comes into contact with. It's impossible to meet my dad and not be laughing within five minutes.

A proverb I found that truly sums up what's so amazing about great father figures:

“Any man can be a father,

but it takes a special person to be a dad.”

And dad, let me say, you are such a special human being, to me and so many people. You have been such an integral influence in my life, shaping me into the person I am today. I love that we look alike, and that we both love people so much. I miss our conversations and our dates, and my hope is one day you and I and mom and Joe will soon be living within 50 miles of one another, instead of 5,000.

If you really love a friend, and get a chance to meet their parents, tell them what a wonderful kid they've raised. Parenting is insane, so much pressure, so much time, so much love. They deserve to be reminded they do so much right in the lives of their children.

Hate Comes to Orange County

2011-03-04T23:52:00.000-08:00

Some hate is so strong it takes your breath away. It leaves your mouth empty of words and your eyes unblinking. It makes your stomach turn, the putrid words of ignorant, unadulterated hate.

I hope it's ignorant. If hate is possible after learning, after experiencing their culture, their grace, their loyalty, their people, then I wonder what we've become.

Ironic, how just today I used the word "multicultural" as the one thing I am most proud of in my life. And then it's defiled, distorted into evil by leadership, by the stars and stripes.

Hate has a terrifying power. It's so easy to cross that line. So easy to pick up that opinion. So easy to make that subconscious judgement.

O God, I plead with you, never let me wield such hate. I feel powerless even witnessing it. What can combat such hideous hate? My despondent heart tells me nothing. We can do nothing. We are weak. We are powerless.

We are unable to fight without your strength. Without your love. Tragically, I am never more sure of your existence, your goodness, than when I see the creatures of earth raped by hate.

Tornadoes

2011-03-01T21:03:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I definitely had "a case of the Mondays." (Forgive me for using such a disgustingly kitschy phrase). Today however, was an exceptional 24 hours. (Well, I still have 3 hours to go...but here's hoping).

I'm not sure why the past 2 days seem in so much contrast with one another. Most likely, my attitude improved from crap-it's-Monday-and-I-didn't-do-anything-this-weekend-except-faff-around, to thank-heavens-Monday-is-over-and-I'm-calm-enough-to-realize-I'm-going-to-make-it-through-this-week-without-dying. Maybe I'm grasping at straws, but I like to think God had a little something to teach me in the past 48 hours. Or maybe because of philosophy class I've begun to analyze every area of my life. Both are equally as plausible in my opinion. (And if you've spent any amount of time with Jill this quarter, you've probably had a conversation about philosophy, society, and how theology fits into that. {Side note: I am loving every second of my philosophy class with a bomb professor and incredibly rousing subject matter.} If you haven't, coffee date NOW).

Let's start with a brief sketch of the aforementioned fantastic March 1st (white rabbit, white rabbit, white rabbit) through the eyes of Jill (I apologize if this run-down seems self-absorbed, sometimes I get tired of writing things the same way):
8:00 am = alarm rings
8:05 am = alarm rings again
8:10 am = alarm rings again and Jill finally rolls out of bed, dresses, pretties, and organizes herself for the day
8:47 am = Jill realizes she needs to make a lunch (aw crap)
8:54 am = Jill runs out the door and down the hill to try and make it to work on time
9:03 am = Jill makes it to work a bit out of breath and with a hungry stomach
9:06 am = Jill gets coffee (otherwise known as the beverage of life) and pumpkin bread from Pura Vida
9:11 am = work work work work work work
1:04 pm = Jill meets Matt for coffee to talk about Senator and ASSP positions for 2011-2012 and is much encouraged by his advice
1:033 pm = Jill goes to the Career Center to get her resume edited (fascinating, I know)
2:02 pm = Jill goes to philosophy class and is challenged and stimulated by the conversation about hell, sin, moral law, and moral luck
3:38 pm = Jill musters up the courage to ask Dr. Himma a question after class about the seeming contradiction between perceptions/experiences of faith/truth through personal and cultural lenses with the transcendent and ultimate essence truth is characterized by.
3:40 pm = Himma encourages Jill to ask this particular question in class on Thursday because it's "one of the most important questions raised in this class." He also briefly addresses the question and concludes with, "I don't know if you're shy or something, but if this is the kind of intellectual output I can expect from you in class, girl you got to talk more!!"
3:45 pm = Jill visits SAS to get transcripts (oh the joys of application season)
3:52 pm = Jill walks home
4:03 pm = Jill talks with Em and does her math homework
5:38 pm = Jill dines at the 5-Spot with the Cherryhomes clan (oh how I love them)
7:06 pm = Jill returns home with a belly full of Mexican food and a head full of analogies

And there you have March 1st through the eyes of Jill in a nutshell. As I hope you've gathered, today was packed, but I enjoyed every minute of it. I didn't feel overwhelmed at any point today, which is strange since the picture of me drowning under a faucet raining down books and papers and applications and projects is one that often frequents my brain.

As I was walking up the hill to our apartment, I thought of something. (I swear that hill has magical processing powers, I have epiphanies whilst traversing it almost every week). Today was a whirlwind, but I somehow managed to stay calm, centered amidst the chaos, classes and appointments and homework and paperwork swirling around me at unimaginable speeds. This picture of a hybrid Jill crossed with a tornado surfaced in my mind, me as the eye of the twister and everything else in my life as the miscellaneous debris circling me. Then I thought of Anna, and Em, and everyone else I consider dear to me and how they too are their own tornadoes, and how at the dawn of each day 6 billion tornadoes wake up and spin through their business like whirlwinds. But when two twisters converge, it's a slight miracle. Amidst all the swirling twirling tasks and commitments, two natural disasters connect. They put aside the whirlwind of every day life and invest in one another. Relationship is beautiful. Even more so, relationship modeled around the truths God reveals to us is stunning. He is the wind that blows us and the peace that calms us.

Thanks March 1st. Thanks philosophy class. Thanks Dr. Himma. Thanks God. For reminding me how precious today is.

Aha Moment

2011-02-13T17:53:00.000-08:00

All of a sudden, my future is staring me in the face. And I couldn't be more excited to stare right back at it. Within the past couple weeks, I've gained connections with people I'd never met before and glimpsed opportunities in places I've never been before.

Today, Holly and I walked home from the Fremont Sunday market and caught up under the gift of a warm, bright sun. Most of our conversation circled around our futures, both the near and distant future. We talked about current involvements, church, school, summer plans, and internships. Walking up Florentia street, keeping pace with Holly's gait and conversation, it dawned on me that I can literally do anything when I graduate university. I've had this realization before, but letting it fully bloom and flower was exhilarating. The opportunities presented to me, the goals I see myself achieving, the paths laid out ahead of me, all are numerous. I can do anything, go anywhere. If this circumstance was presented to me before, I would've been frozen in terror and instability. I'm so grateful this future freedom is presented to me now, because I am loving every second of it. Now that I have stability, both externally and internally (which has not come quickly or easily, albeit), I am ready for, well, pretty much anything.

Holly mentioned today, and has mentioned many times before, that last year God changed the direction she wanted to go in life, and she's loving this new passion she has seized and cultivated. God has molded my heart differently than I expected as well, but I am so thankful He did. It sounds so trite to say things like, "God has plans for you better than even you can imagine," but really, it's honest-to-goodness truth. I would never have imagined myself as a business major with more interest in non-profits, humanitarian work, microfinance, economics, world politics, and world development than in theatre, vocal performance, corporate business, or any other sector of employment I was previously enthralled with.

A couple weeks ago, Em and I were eating our annual homecoming weekend fish and chips lunch, and she pointed something out to me I had never fully grasped. "Jill," she glanced at me, "You do realize you love your freedom, right?" A few seconds pause masked my "aha" moment.

Yes Em, yes I do.

Sort Of

2011-01-31T00:33:00.000-08:00

Baby you've got the sort of hands to rip me apart
And baby you've got the sort of face to start this old heart
But your eyes are warning me this early morning
That my love's too big for you my love

Baby you've got the sort of laugh that waters me
And makes me grow tall and strong and proud and flattens me
I find you stunning, but you are running me down
My love's too big for you my love
My love's too big for you my love

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

Baby you've got the sort of eyes that tell me tales
That your sort of mouth just will not say, the truth impales
That you don't need me, but you won't leave me
My love's too big for you my love
My love's too big for you my love

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

Tell me what to do to take away the you?

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no.
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

- "Sort Of" by Ingrid Michaelson

This song is beautifully tragic. So why do I hope for a love that will consume me?

“Why learning philosophy is simultaneously terrifying and incredible,” or “The product of my thought processes during my walking commute between school and home:”

2011-01-16T21:31:00.000-08:00

Believing in a religion I am unable to intelligently defend or explain through reason (as far as reason can take me before it crosses a shared border with faith) is the only thing more paralytically terrifying than having no spiritual convictions at all.

Dear You

2011-01-12T21:22:00.000-08:00

It's Jill! Hope you're doing well and loving life.

First of all, I was ecstatic to discover your blog series on "The Lies MK's Believe," because there are so many subconscious (and conscious) thoughts we carry to America that turn out to be completely false. I hope that identifying these lies will more adequately prepare MK's for the college leap. I know BFA has a seminar day for seniors to about transition issues, but I don't remember learning too many things of value there. I honestly think they should use this series.

I have a lie I'd like to contribute: "You will never find friendships in America as deep or wonderful as the friendships you develop as an MK."

I will say that BFA tries to address some lies, but this one is never discussed. We all believe, in the core of our being, that when we graduate and leave our MK culture behind we will also be leaving behind those wonderfully close relationships we develop with fellow MK’s. And even further, we will never find relationships of that depth again (unless with other MK’s). It took me a year to realize this idea was a little off and still another year after that to identify it as complete bullshit (pardon my language). I have found friendships at Seattle Pacific University that are just as wonderful, just as quirky, just as fun, and perhaps even more loving. I would also say that my friends in America have stretched me and grown me in ways my high school friends never could. My friends here challenge me to be the best Jill possible, to have a stronger faith, and to think deeply and critically about the world around me. Granted, part of this is because I've gotten older and have a maturity in relationships I lacked at BFA. But, the point is, I was fed a lie that my friends at BFA were so special I would never find people like them again. Indeed I have, and these friends have truly become my family. Because my immediate family is serving across the ocean, my friends here, the best group of women I could ever wish for, have encircled me with support, understanding, love, and complete acceptance. They truly know me and care for me, and I am eternally indebted to them and eternally grateful for them.

That turned out to be a lot longer than expected, but this is something I'm incredibly passionate about. MK's don't have to be so estranged when reunited with their passport country. It's possible for them to make it, and even more than that, to find a home.

What are you up to these days? I know you've probably heard this a lot, but you are an incredible advocate for MK's. You have the ability to talk to MK's about America and the ability to talk to America about MK's. The world dearly needs an intermediary like you. MK education is so important, so complex and sadly lacking, so thank you for stepping up to this challenge.

Blessings,

Jillian

It's a hard life

2010-12-06T15:11:00.000-08:00

A week has passed since I came home. A lovely week, with family, relaxation, the nonexistence of schedules, serenity, joy, an abundance of cooking, sleeping, decorating, walking the woods.

This photograph is the epitome of my life these days, but it's missing Christmas cookies, my family, and Snickers.

I'm too caught in the moment to remember the past. But I must.

Advent

2010-11-29T15:47:00.000-08:00

This holiday season my family and I celebrated the first Advent Sunday at our British friends' house. They invited us over to drink coffee, eat traditional Weinachten snacks and share our "glimpses of glory," "thanksgivings," and "winter memories." I loved sitting around the festive table and listening to each person share something so meaningful and unique. Advent season is a time for remembering, and a season I always long for.

The first Advent Sunday was all the more special because it held the reunification of my family. After a stressful two hours of packing a ginormous amount of luggage on our tiny bus, three hours in the Chongqing airport, two hours on a plane to Shanghai, six hours of boredom in the Shanghai airport, thirteen hours on a plane to Frankfurt, four pleasant hours spent with my favorite cousins and some good German breakfast and three hours on a train ride to Basel, the last ten minutes of training could not go fast enough. I was bouncing my foot up and down rapidly, looking at my watch every thirty seconds and watching the snow covered countryside become more and more familiar as Basel Badischer Bahnhof neared. Hurry up hurry up hurry up go faster train! The anxious ball in my stomach grew as I start to recognize street signs and village names. Finally the platform slid into view and the most difficult task, getting my bulky luggage off the train, was over in a few long seconds. There's nothing like that first glimpse of family after a long journey. My brother striding towards me with a suppressed smile on his face and my mom's warm hug was the best welcome home I could've ask for. Four hours later, I was waiting with my arms flung open as my dad shuffled through the hallway dragging his suitcase behind him with a goofy grin frozen on his face. I have longed for this moment for months.

A friend posted a link for "Daily Advent Prayers" on Facebook, and one line from the prayer for November 29th struck me:

"Light that never fades, dispel the mists about us.

Awaken our faith from sleep."

Advent is a time of remembering, but also a time for waiting. Waiting for the coming of Jesus, what he's going to do in my life this year. I am longing to see what he has in store for me.

This past year has held an irreplaceable amount of experiences. I have learned so much. I was in China 2 days ago. Why does it seem like no more than a dream?

Skype

2010-10-18T21:12:00.001-07:00

Technology is truly amazing.

And no, you don't have to be over sixty-five and retired with twelve grandkids to admit it.

This morning, I got to be at small group. I saw seven of the most beautiful faces in the entire world, surrounding me on couches and the papasan, candlelight distinguishing one from another, classical music punctuating the reading of Genesis. Closed eyes, open ears, slow breathing, patiently awaiting the wash of tranquility. Sharing word, then emotion, then invitation. Those girls, that space, that time set aside to learn, share and study the Word have become an essential ritual the past two years. An irreplaceable time of release and openness, finding safety in your presence.

But technology still can't convey the depth of how much I miss you.

Episode Seven, Season One

2010-10-10T08:30:00.001-07:00

I miss you.

Ich vermisse dich.

(I would try to say it in Chinese…but I can't even pronounce it let alone type the characters).

It's as simple as that. I miss your smile, your presence. All I want to do is curl up on the floor, put on Coldplay, and sit with you. I miss having someone to come home to, someone to debrief with about our days, someone to tell ridiculous stories to that no one cares about…except you. I know I have the wanderlust, it's just a part of who I am, but I didn't realize I had such strong ties to a place I've only lived in two years. Two years. That's all it's been? Two years since this unsure seventeen year old missionary kid graduated from a school she'd spend most of her life at, flew half way across the world and moved into room 478. How that room, that floor, and that school have changed me. Actually, not changed me, but formed me, grew me. I miss my family, and not just my blood relatives, but the rich, loving family of friends I've found in the past two years. How you all have grown me, inspired me, stretched me, challenged me, blessed me, encouraged me, supported me, and loved me. I cannot even begin to express my gratitude. God has truly given me a treasure, and it has so many faces.

Funny what sets off homesickness. It can be awful news from home, a crappy cup of coffee, or an episode of Glee. Although I've experienced all three stimuli in the past week, today it was episode seven, season one. Keep holding on. Gets me every time.

You're not alone

Together we stand

I'll be by your side

You know I'll take your hand

And when it gets cold

And it feels like the end

There's no place to go

You know I won't give in

Keep holding on

'Cuz you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Just stay strong

'Cuz you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you

There's nothing you can say, nothing you can do

There's no other way when it comes to the truth

So keep holding on

Cuz you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Keep holding on

41 days down, 48 to go. I've almost hit the halfway mark. Well, of sorts. Halfway till Deutschland, the clown car, Snickers, Christmas markets, Kandern, and my family. Halfway till true relaxation, comfortability. 37 more days after that until I can return to true Seattlelite form.

I don't want to count down, and I don't necessarily need to. The time here is flying by, lightning fast. I know I wouldn't trade my time here, though at times I am tempted. This place is incredible, it boggles my mind every single day. Oh the places I've gone.

I cannot wait to tell you about it.

Fw: Hong Kong

2010-09-29T08:53:00.001-07:00

Email to the 'rents from the Shanghai airport:

We are now at the correct airport, so I have a little bit more time to email you guys while our leaders figure out flight stuff (hopefully we can get another flight out without paying a miniature fortune…praying for a miracle. Note to future self…there are TWO airports in Shanghai).

Hong Kong was a really, really cool city. The first day we were there (starting at 6:30 am when we landed) we took a bus tour of the city and got out at a few places, including an outdoor street market, a Taoist temple, and a floating restaurant (where we ate lunch). Driving through the city was incredible, the streets are just layered on top of one another sometimes three high, like a pile of tangled noodles. HK is very Westernized, and there are SO many people (over seven million) packed onto this tiny island. HK has infrastructure, unlike most of mainland China. They have street signs (in English as well as Chinese) and a great subway system. There are a lot of foreigners that live and work in HK so life there can be likened to life in a big city in Europe or America. Our second and third days in HK were our seminar days/class days/business visit days. We had 4 professors from Hong Kong Baptist University (our hosts, some very awesome people) speak to us about business in China and the Chinese philosophy of life. Very informative, and it was enlightening to hear about China from actual Chinese people. We also visited three Chinese businesses: Hong Kong Monetary Authority, German Pool Limited Company (kitchen cabinets/appliances), and Nestle Company. My favorite was the German Pool Co, the lady who spoke to us was very engaging and told us lots of tips about American business persons living/working in China. Our fourth day in Hong Kong was our free day, so Taylor, Cody, our friend Ryan and I decided to go see the biggest Buddha in Asia. The group expanded quickly and we eventually left with 10 people in tow. It was so much fun to get to know other people and just hang out without any agenda. We took a really long cable car ride (with a glass bottom!!) up to the big Buddha, which was nestled in the lush green hills of the countryside. We walked up hundreds of stairs to the Buddha (he definitely lives up to his name...VERY large), and the view was incredible. We explored other temples around the area, and after that we went back to our international dorm/hotel to get ready for that evening's cruise. I know, it sounds way more posh than it actually was. The entire group went on this dinner cruise along the bay in HK, and from the upper deck you could watch the laser show, which is something that happens every night in downtown Hong Kong. The biggest skyscrapers put on their own little light show, and it's pretty cool to watch the entire waterfront flash and sparkle a myriad of colors. The funny thing about the cruise was the live band, if you could call it that. There was an awful keyboardist, and 3 extremely scary cougars: fifty year old asian ladies crooning away like they were Celine Dion and whacking tamborines against their hips. It was bad, real bad. They tried to do a cover of Lady Gaga...whew man we barely got out of there alive. :) I think HK would take the least adjustment to live in, but it didn't quite feel like...real China.

Day (1 & 1/2) 2

2010-09-01T05:16:00.000-07:00

Excerpt from China journal:

First China entry :) 08/31

One flight (miniature flight that is) down, one to go. And I just have to say, why do they make you walk through the first and business class seats to get to the normal/poor people (depending on your perspective) seats? It's just so cruel; forced to walk by the spacious (c'mon let's be honest, they practically have beds) first class section, us normal fliers pine like little children after candy. Ok, enough whining, I'm so incredibly lucky to have this opportunity, and the plane's starting to move. Plus I have no one sitting directly next to me, just a cute little Chinese woman two seats away...so I should be thankful. Let's hope sleep takes up a good portion of this 13 hour flight.

(Also, by crossing the dateline, I'm basically time traveling! August 31st, you never really happened for me...)

12 & 1/2 hours later:

My first glimpse of Chinese soil is hazy, acute triangular blue shapes punctuated by tropical trees and telephone poles, backgrounded by Sigur Rós' Takk... album. Such haunting and enchanting music with its steady energetic undercurrent perfectly matches my introduction to Asia.

6 hours after that:

It's amazing what a shower and a clean shirt can do for the tired soul. Feeling fresh and (mostly) rejuvinated, I join the group on the tour bus for a whirlwind tour of Hong Kong. Such an incredible city, fact after fact poured out of our tour guide's mouth confirming this quick judgement. Our tour guide gets funnier and funnier, the weather gets hotter and hotter, and my ankle hurts more and more after an accidental slip in the stairwell.

Still 5 hours after that:

The humidity is incredibly oppressive, breathing is hard enough without adding incense from an ancient temple. My body aches for sleep, my ankle throbs in pain, my stomach churns at the heat, yet my senses scream for more. I can't seem to take everything in, my ears, my eyes, my nose ravish every detail.

It's not even 8 o'clock PM, and my head bobs down and up, failingly trying to fight off sleep. I'm such an introvert, staying in my room for a few hours with my music and my pictures is honestly what I need right now. I think I'll wave the white flag soon, it's been a long day. So long, but so good. Hello China, I'm here :)

Day 1

2010-08-31T01:07:00.000-07:00

Currently, I am sitting across from Cody and kiddy-corner to Taylor in the Vancouver airport, all of us killing time on the free WiFi and sipping Starbs (or 'Schtarbs' as Taylor likes to call it) to keep us up for the next 3 and a half hours (DANG this layover is long). I am on my way to China folks...but MAN was the road rocky. I was all packed up and restored to a calm (as calm as I could get under the circumstances) around 4:30 (half an hour before ETD), but upon weighing my suitcase was shockingly informed it was almost 30 lbs. OVER the limit. Yes, that's right, almost 30 lbs. The little trickster Mr. Suitcase didn't LOOK that heavy...but he was hiding some serious weight under that red exterior. So, the unzipping and shedding of meticulously packed and organized clothing ensued (I had this awesome zip lock bag system where certain types of clothing were in certain bags, all air-tight and labeled with a sharpie). I can't really describe how difficult it was to just start throwing things out of my suitcase, but the pressure was on as the time ticked by and I had to get to the airport PRONTO. When all was said and done and Holly and I finally scrambled into the car, I realized I had a decision before me. I could let my frustration and worry get the best of me, or I could just laugh it off and live with what I had...so I chose the second option and was in such a good mood upon arriving at the airport (only 20 minutes late by the way, and STILL not the last one there...cha-ching!). I still don't really know what's on its way to China and what's haphazardly sitting in a box in Holly's room, but hey, if I really need something this gives me a great reason to shop, and more importantly it'll teach me to live frugally. This, is the first of MANY unplanned adventures...I suppose I should just start learning to roll with the punches! And on a different note, it sort of makes me sick how much STUFF I have...definitely seeing a major purge of my wordly possessions sometime in the future.

Alrighty, I'm off to play 'Sticks'...our rendition of 'Spoons' because all we could find were some stir sticks at Starbucks. Improvisation: it's a good thing to practice.

ISFJ

2010-08-25T22:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was student worker retreat day. A day in which all the lovely SAS student workers were fed home cooked food, played 'I never', participated in a competitive egg drop contest, and talked about our Myers-Briggs test results. Now, we didn't really take the full Myers-Briggs test, just a short version that our certified boss then analyzed. I came out to be an ISFJ, but split almost half and half on the I/E. As we got handed back our packets with charts, graphs, descriptions, and percentages, I couldn't help but think, "I don't really want to be this type of person. My type seems lame." And this started my obsession/doubt of personality analytics. If the results of a personality test make you want to be a different person, is it really that accurate, or are you just uncomfortable/self-conscious in your own skin?

Today I took a few different versions of the Myers-Briggs test, and got varying results: ISTJ, INFJ, ENFJ and ISFJ again. Strange that one person could come up with such varying personality types. I then did some pretty substantial research on Wikipedia (as substantial as you can get on Wiki), and deeply resonated with both the ISFJ and INFJ personality types. I also identified with the ESFJ, which makes sense as my introversion/extroversion is always split right down the middle. Although some people do fit well in their specific "category," the majority of human kind does not fit in a box. That's the reason why I found pieces of myself in three personality types, rather than just one. These kinds of tests can explain things about yourself you never realized before, or help family and friends understand what makes you tick, but at the same time they can be dangerously constrictive and even discouraging. A man is so much more complicated than four letters.

Don't misunderstand, I am by no means a hater of personality analysis. I immediately tried to predict what my family members would be, and was 100% positive my dad was an ENTP. Upon reading the explanation in Wiki, I was a little creeped out at their uncanny description of my father...down to his strange tendency to play devil's advocate. I have always found this kind of stuff fascinating, even when I was in high school and one of my favorite teachers went around the circle of chuckling students sitting in her living room dubbing them "sanguine", "melancholic", "choleric", and "phlegmatic" when her eyes landed on me. Humans are fascinating to figure out, but part of that fascination comes from their unpredictability.

The Rainier Club

2010-08-24T23:37:00.000-07:00

Surrounded by fine furnishings, fancy dishes circle the table, crowding out any impropriety.
Was that a real smile? Or a fake one...is this truly who you are?
Follow up questions are not my forte, but it's a survival skill in this room.
Suits, ties, cuff links, business cards. Is there anything you don't have?
Awkward pauses, striving to be polite yet engaging, mature yet inspiring.
Why can I never truly express what excites me, what motivates me, what empassions me? To put words to the inborn purpose burning away my heart is like cheapening true genius, screen-printing true art.
Stuttering out thank you's only goes so far, I know you care about the cause, but not the individual.
You have given so much to me, but am I the one who really needs your help?
The staff come and go, pouring water, clearing dishes, more like shadows than persons.
You are beautiful, dark skin punctuated by dark eyes. Why aren't you sitting in my chair?
"I want to help those who lack opportunity, help nationals grow their own countries," I told the room.
You need opportunity, 5 feet away.
"Those countries."
Not this one.
"Those people."
Not you.
You are the future of this nation.
Not me.

Grace

2010-08-14T22:50:00.000-07:00

The question game. If this month had a theme, that's what it would be.

("The question game" reminds me of The Hunger Games, which I really want to read, which reminds me how much I love books, which brings me back to my date with Anna to Third Place Books (best date EVER), which makes me think of how Anna and I always end up in bookstores, which reminds me of all the books I bought/checked out from the library recently, which reminds me of how much reading I didn't do this summer. It's a vicious cycle. Back to the theme of the month...)

Many instances in the past few weeks I've come face to face with some monster questions.
"What do you plan to do with your life?"
"Where are you going to live next year?"
"Why do you continually slip into negative thinking patterns?"
"Do you have consistent time with God?"
What is a Christian?"
"How is a person supposed to live a Christian life?"
"Is there only one truth?"

My brain has been working on overdrive. Questions have been asked by friends, family, strangers, and surprisingly myself. Many, many conversations have centered around religion. Verbally processing what I actually believe, the components of my faith, has been challenging and quite revealing. It's interesting to see where gaps have appeared in my theology, and what things I answer without any hesitation. Probably one of my favorite memories of the summer centers around a long, long conversation with Anna, a girl a barely knew a year ago but now couldn't imagine life without her. Learning more about her and her beliefs has broadened my perspective and allowed me to appreciate her so much more. I have been blessed to know her and be known by her. I have been blessed to have people I can talk through the hard questions with. All I had to do was mention quiet time with God, and advice poured from my dad's mouth. Studying the Bible with him is one of my favorite things in this world.

Realizing my depravity, my failure, my need for God was all it took to return to his arms, to gain a hunger and appreciation for daily relationship with Him. This crucial truth only continues to be reaffirmed:

"For if you are trying to make yourselves right with God by keeping the law, you have been cut off from Christ! You have fallen away from God’s grace."

Amen. Why do I continually forget grace? It is so crucial to Christianity, to a full life, and yet is sadly lacking in this world, in my life. Learning to accept grace, and extend it to others, is a lesson I am continually learning.

Cycles

2010-07-27T22:05:00.000-07:00

This morning, was glorious. My daily (well, the days I'm not a slob who takes the car or the bus) bike ride commute to work has been fantastic with this weather (thank you Seattle, for finally acknowledging it's summer). After peaking the initial "why am I doing this?" hill in Woodland Park, it's smooth sailing (or coasting in bike terms) from there on out. Cruising down Woodland Park Ave with the sun beaming from the light blue sky, the cool breeze blowing from the water, the smell of the early morning whipping past my nose, I am so content to be riding. Passing my favorite houses, I brake for a stop sign (yes, I am a biker who follows the law...unusual in Seattle, I know) and am grinned and subtly waved at by the passenger in what looks like a small garbage truck (could've been a recycling/moving/delivery truck...the scruffy, grungey "how you doin'" man looked akin to someone I imagine works within any of those professions). We exchanged amused looks, and I went on my way, flying down the hill with a sheepish smile on my face.

Taking the cycle has brought about so many amusing occurrences. As just described, brief encounter with scruffy trucker, witnessing a probably 50-something man (equipped with fanny pack) biking uphill with a to-go coffee cup in one hand, little girl's sales call of "Come buy some lemonade!" from a stand on the sidewalk (a refreshing thought on my very hot uphill bike ride home), Jim awkwardly following behind me as we unintentionally went the same way home, and so many other unforgettable moments.

Summer in Seattle has finally arrived. And, I love it. I love experiencing it through cycling, through lunch in the Loop with Anna and Val, through driving with the windows down, through sitting outside at coffee shops. through exploring. I didn't want to leave Phoenix when vacation ended, well, I didn't want to leave my family when vacation ended. I still desperately wish we could be on the same continent for more than 10 days, but familysickness has been waxing and waning. It was simply awful the first couple days back with so many unintentional fiascos, got better with a wonderful Wednesday night of self-cooked food and external processing with three wonderful girls, got worse as the house continued to way heavy and empty on my lonely heart, and got better with a Sunday full of fun with a fantastic friend. Having my adopted parents back home is so relieving. I do love talking and hanging out with them, they're fun people, good people. For right now, homesickness is waning, but it's a cycle. I'll probably always be aching for the comfortability of family, whether it be the one I grew up with from age 0 and love more than anything on this world, or the one I've developed over the past two years, girls who radiate beauty from the inside out. Being out of my comfort zone and in a place I sometimes don't want to be is challenging, but such a lesson in perserverence, patience, gratitude, flexibility, and being present. It's a cycle of life. And though I'm discovering this summer is not fulfilling many of my pre-existing expectations (surprise surprise...oh the irony of that pattern continues to bite me in the butt), it's shaping up to be lovely in it's own way. Trying to enjoy this cycle and prepare for the next: China.

Movement

2010-06-20T22:58:00.001-07:00

What is it about movement that's so electrifying and yet so terrifying? Is it because we like being stationary, because we were born static beings? And yet we long for adventure, for change, for newness. Is it because we're made to run? But humans love consistancy. Is it because we like instability, the chance to leave responsibility and committment behind? Yet we yearn for intimacy.

I recently heard a message about the necessity of movement in our lives today. Meditated movement as sojourners is our response to the "tension between the world that is and the world that ought to be." People were wired for perfection, for glory, for intimacy, for love, for justice, but we will never be able to build Utopia. As Pastor Dahlstrom so ironically asserted, "We're created to fly, but we've got oil in our wings." God doesn't call us to helter-skelter fleeing or desperate attempts to make the world right, he calls us to spiritual steps, chosen to be taken according to God's calling, beginning transformation within before focusing on change outside yourself. The beauty of movement with God is that no matter where I go, where he sends me, or how I change, I'll always have one friend with me. That kind of consistent love is a soothing comfort to a wanderer at heart. If I'm where he is, I'm in the right place.

Enough regurgitated theology. Movement has been heavy on my mind. My family is moving houses, packing up the home I grew up in forever. Kristi is moving to Germany as a missionary. I moved out of the dorms, into the Dahlstrom home, and will eventually move across the world to China. Movement has been a part of my everyday life since age 9. Change has never frightened me all that much. It mostly envigorates me, occasionally making it difficult to empathize with people who despise change because of movement. Yet it is paralyzing, and I'm numb from overdose. There's been so much physical movement in my life, I tend to overlook the spiritual movement. My impetus for adventure turns me into a bull in a china shop, rushing into change without any awareness of what it might entail. I suspect it's a natural reflex, run to the new to avoid dealing with the old.

The idea of spiritual movement while being physcially stationary fascinates me. Maybe it's because inner change in my life has always been facilitated by physical movement.

You can move me if you want to
You can move a mountain, you can move a mountain

You can move me if you want to

You can move everything, you can move everything

Mountain and the Sea - Ingrid Michaelson

Brainchild

2010-06-15T23:40:00.001-07:00

I started a Tumblr. It's sort of my creative upchuck. I plan to keep my blog (still haven't decided if I'll transfer to Wordpress...depends on which website China is least likely to ban) for more meaty/discussion/process prone posts. Brainchild is my artistic drawing board. Double Vision is my quasi journal.

Also, my blog got a facelift. I'm quite excited about it. Blogger is finally getting with the times and creating more ways to customize your Blog's look. Bravo Blogger, bravo.

Blindsided

2010-06-04T23:11:00.000-07:00

Would you really rush out...

...to fall in love?

Blindsided - Bon Iver

The honest answer to that question kind of terrifies me.

You know what else is terrifying?
The fact that I have 0 more days of sophomore class. I have 3 finals that I'm (semi) confident I'll pass, and then college will officially be half way over. Wait, WHAT? How this happened, I have absolutely no idea. I feel like I'm only beginning my college journey, but I really only have half to go. Even though I'm stunned at the speed life moves at, the thought of life, real life, outside of college is electrifying. I can't wait to get out in the world and do what I'm passionate about.

But that's far in the future. What's staring me in the face right now is finals, packing up my room (I have to seperate all I own into 4 piles...God help me), saying goodbye to dear dear friends for 6 months, summer fun, seeing family, and then CHINA.

I'm thirsting for culture, for drastic change, for instability, challenge, newness. Ironic since my life this year has been everything BUT stable. I've had an overdose of change, and yet I'm aching for more. A different kind.

I've listened to Bon Iver's For Emma, Forever Ago album a total of 11 times, and I just bought it 3 days ago. Incredible album. It's magic in music form. I could probably listen to it for the rest of my life.

Mix and Match

2010-05-27T23:25:00.000-07:00

I am China: excitement, anticipation, new culture, change, wanderer, chameleon-like adaption, travel, adventure, business, paperwork paperwork paperwork, new faces hopefully to become family, seperation anxiety.

I am Senate: happiness, contentment, thankfulness, responsibility, involvement, importance, leadership, business major, new friends, committment.

I am Bertona 1 (or Apt. yet to be decided): love, gratitude, utter comfort, struggle to peace, patience, trust, truthfulness, painful honesty, silliness, personality, sass, cohabitation, home, family.

I am Dahlstrom: fun, comfortability, freedom, love, adoption, bunkbeds, sunshine and rain, work & play, bike rides, Greenlake, Bethany Community Church, SAS, Phoenix, Dad, Mom & Brother, books, library, coffee, hipster, freckles.

I am Now: tranquility, joy, love, impatience, exhaustion, healing, Bon Iver, soft rain, shirker, 2 weeks away from 2 years done, wanting to leave, hating to leave, half adult and half child.

This is today.

Tomorrow,
mix and match above.
Add new.

Expectations

2010-04-17T23:07:00.000-07:00

And 2 and half months later, I'm back.

I can't believe the last time I blogged was January. So much has happened since January 30th. So much. Almost too much to write about. But I'll take it one step at a time.

I've learned so much in the past months. It was not a pleasant journey in many ways, but like a lot of learning experiences, it was good. Not the normal type of "good" that people use to describe the broccoli they just ate, but the kind of "good" used to talk about hard conversations concerning God or poverty or politics. It's a tough, but necessary process.

So many of my expectations for the future have been broken, dismantled, and are beginning to be rebuilt. Almost in every area of life, something completely unexpected has happened recently. My grandpa had another serious heart episode, a disturbing tragedy ripped through my high school, a professor and I did not see eye to eye, my future living situation changed 3 times (which felt like a billion), I decided to go to China for 3 months next fall, I did not end up dating anyone this year, and the list could probably continue. Friendships have struggled and come across barriers I haven't known how to hurdle. I've had to stand up for myself in front of authority figures who wield a lot of power. I visited my ailing grandpa who's slowly slipping away from us. Dealing with things I've never encountered before has aged me. I feel so much older than before, and scoff at the me of six months ago. The process of maturity kind of sucks.

I've learned a valuable lesson: never build expectations so high nothing could ever fulfill them. Never want something so bad that when it doesn't happen, your heart is crushed. Never grasp something so tightly in your fist that when God tries to pull it from your fingers your hand breaks.

I've experienced a lot of hurt in the past months, and it's a pattern I would not like to continue. My hands are broken, lying open, robbed, waiting for healing. I feel wounded from the battle, and fresh scrapes are yet to be healed and join the field of scabs already protecting vulnerability. Vulnerability that is me. Feeling unprotected and open to harm is terrifying. Instability is paralyzing, yet chaotic. The constants in my life almost instantly turned to variables, leaving me wondering if anything was worth trusting.

You would think this process would help me loosen my grip on future plans. Unfortunately, an assumption could not be more wrong than that is...just a few days ago my mom graciously reminded me to be open to what God has for my life next year. Clenching things so tightly won't make them come true, no matter how hard I wish it.

I'm so bad at giving up control, and yet I'm so bad at being in control. This is my prayer...

My God, my Father, while I stray,
Far from my home on life's rough way.
Oh, teach me from my heart to say,
"Thy will be done."

Though dark my path and sad my lot,
Let me be still and murmur not,
And breathe the prayer divinely taught,
"Thy will be done."

But if my fainting heart be blessed,
With the Holy Spirit for its guest.
My God to Thee I leave the rest.
"Thy will be done."

If Though should call me to resign,
What most I prized, never was mine.
I only yield Thee what is Thine.
"Thy will be done."

Renew my will from day to day,
Blend it with thine and take away
All that now makes it hard to say,
"Thy will be done."

Thy will be done.

Skinny Love

2010-01-30T19:53:00.000-08:00

This Saturday was the epitomy of the perfect afternoon.
Light drizzle.
Cruising through Seattle in the little blue toaster.
Bon Iver's Skinny Love spilling from the radio.
20 greasy fingers lifting salmon fish and chips up to 2 happy mouths.
Cheap cafe latte.
Warm hat, one red coat and one blue coat.
Slow steps down pier 8.
A Raptor boat.
Past the Stephany Anne, the Kimberly, the Janene, the Enterprise.
Funny photos of two funny girls.
Heavier rain sends us back up towards the Fisherman's Terminal.

How content I am to be with her. How content I am to sit in my room and click through past photos. Today I don't want to save the world, I don't even want to venture out of this chair. I just want to stay snuggled in this room with my favorite people, quietly doing accounting, editing an art project, studying A & P and calculating statistics. My future plans stretch only as far as the promise of watching Up, but only when our homework is done. Today, my dreams are to go to bed early and to hopefully order pizza.

My roommate and I were talking one night, and somehow got on the topic of dreams, plans, and relationships. And I realized, I wish I had 5 lives. One to do Microfinance in Africa/Asia/South America/the Middle East, one to get married and have kids, one to own a coffee shop, one to manage a theatre, and one to sing professionally and fulfill other ridiculous pipe dreams that will never come true. Some days I live completely for one dream, and some days I live for another. If I only had one dream, and one dream only. If only mission work and finding someone to have a family with weren't so uncohesive. But then again, in the words of Em, people with ambition find someone to walk alongside them, not lead them or follow them.

For right now, I'm content to sit with these friends, talk about Macs, study abroad, surprises, food, movies and life. For right now, I'm content with my Skinny Love.

Struggle

2010-01-26T18:43:00.000-08:00

As blatantly pointed out by my friend Anna, it's time for a new post. I can't believe it's been four weeks since I last blogged, and three weeks since winter quarter began. A third of the way in, and I already want it to be over. It's crazy how quickly I've adapted to school life again. Being home for break, all the way across the pond, seems months ago. It was an excellent break all around, mostly because I got to see dear ones I don't see very often (Mom, Dad, Joe, Linds, Steph, Beth) and even one lovely lady I see almost every day (Holly)! Christmas break was so lovely, full of relaxation, books, sleep, family, home cooked food, games, good friends, nature, Europe, shopping, parties, German coffee (oh how I miss Heizmann), and time to think and talk to my loved ones. Funny how almost all of those things have been missing from the past three weeks. School, especially higher education, is all consuming. If you're not in class, you're skipping class, doing homework, planning a project, researching a paper, writing an essay, applying to a major, figuring out next quarter's schedule, or finding a future internship. Some days I wish there was more of a balance so we could all hang out together in the evenings, talk, watch Friends, watch Glee, play a board game, just be. But I know this stage of life is all about training and teaching us for our future involvement in the world, and learning is never an easy task. I'm experiencing this unfortunate truth in all too tangible a way. The load of classes I signed up for this quarter is the farthest thing from easy I've experienced yet. Learning about the legal system of America and how it could affect my business is a wavelength I've never had to tune into before. Wrapping my mind around it is like trying to wrap steel around a baloon.

Reconciling this seemingly impractical knowledge and how it could equip me to help countries like Rawanda or Nepal, or (most heavily on my mind) Haiti, is an even harder task. A butt sore from sitting and listening to lecture for 5 hours and a hand cramped from scribbling chapter notes and homework problems do not coincide with a heart longing to jump on a plane and help those who so desperately need aid right now. Or, so my mind tries to tell me.

Although I have so much and so many around me, in Haiti or in downtown Seattle, have so little, I have to perservere. Even though giving away all my possessions to the poor or spending all my money to fly to Haiti and lend all the physical aid I can would be incredible things to help God's people and spread his love, staying enrolled in school and learning about agency law and accruals and deferrals can also further his kingdom. As a student with a vision, and as a student of SPU, I am daily becoming equipped to engage the culture and change the world. Even though that phrase is unbelievably cliche and horribly overused on this campus, it's a truth we should aim for. I applied for a Business Administration major with a focus in Social Enterprise this break, and the application process made me ecstatic to get a degree in something I'm so professionally and personally passionate about. Possibly my strongest dream right now is to go to Africa, South America, or the Middle East and help nationals build businesses through microfinance. I believe people are so much more willing to listen to the good news of Christ when they are first offered a helping hand and loving heart. Fill hungry bellies with food, both tangible and spiritual. Missions with a business twist. Hells yeah. That's what my whole being longs to do at this point in my life. But I'm not equipped to do that yet. If I did fly to Haiti, I'd probably sit right down in the middle of the destruction and bawl my eyes out.

The weekly, daily, hourly struggle is to channel the passion I have for the world and for the practical hand and loving heart business adds to missionary work, into my schoolwork. Every assignment, every chapter, every test. My present should be lived out with the passion I plan my future with. That, is my true struggle.

Proverbs 31

2010-01-02T14:54:00.000-08:00

That's what's been on my mind. Well, in a roundabout, summarized sort of way. More when I write about Christmas break. For now, a word cloud, a wonderful chapter of literature, and a new focus.

Thoughts at 30,000 feet

2009-12-11T01:51:00.000-08:00

Goodness me. How am I sitting on a plane, homeward bound? I cannot fully fathom the first quarter of my sophomore year is over. Finals are completed, projects have been presented, papers have been written, and three (and a half) of my favorite classes are over. I feel so blessed to have participated in classes that have stretched me, challenged me, and caused me to create some of my very best work. This summer I hoped I would have some harder classes in the fall, completely oblivious to the amount of work they take. But I can honestly say I’m glad school was academically challenging. Surprisingly I enjoyed being pushed to do better, work harder, and think deeper. School is actually…fun…and I don’t want to leave in less than 3 years (knock on wood).

I can’t believe a year ago I was going home completely homesick, feeling like I didn’t belong, and still semi-scared of the idea of being a “college student.” It’s indescribable how much has happened in a year. God has blessed me so abundantly. The friendships that began to blossom last year have grown stronger and bloomed so beautifully. Our group of friends is so diverse, yet so understanding, so chill, yet so wacky, so loving, yet so honest. I can’t thank you all enough for blessing and loving my socks off. I can’t help but look forward to what the future holds for us…it’s exciting. Whether it’s sitting on a couch listening to music, making Christmas cards, playing red-light green-light, or being ridiculous in our onesies, they make me feel at home. Who knew it would take me only a year and a third to say this, but SPU's become home. Seattle's becoming my sity, SPU my neighborhood, and 4th hill my home. Now I have two homes, and I'm leaving one to return to the other. Even though I always miss one home no matter where I am, I have double the family.

Flying is such a normal occurence for me, but something that always makes me anxious. Besides normal traveling worries, my mind knows there's something so much better on the other side of the ocean. Dear, familiar faces, rich culture, well-loved traditions, whatever it may be, my body wants to be there. Hurry up plane, go faster. I get to see my family. My dear daddy, mom, brother, and puppy. My two best friends. My quaint German village. My house with heated floors. My Christmas ornaments from age 3. My warm shower. Ah, home. I'm so grateful I can honestly say I'll be home for Christmas...you can count on me. I can't wait to be home. And just think, in 3 and a half weeks, I get to go home again.

Spilt Tea

2009-11-12T13:29:00.000-08:00

Tuesday night. Happy, relaxed, unmotivated, giddy.

A free day tomorrow, no school! Thanks veterans. For so much more than a holiday.

Watching a movie in Cody's room, on the couch, the footrests up. Ben, then Anna, then me. I felt like a half of a third wheel, but not a whole.

2 hours later, the movie ended. 1 hour 10 minutes over the rules. Jumping up, sneaking out, running down the path. Wet feet, wet socks, silly giggles.

Wednesday morning. Waking up before my alarm rings, peace, contentment, Gwinn, 1 Timothy 2...such a tough passage.

Catch the bus with Em at 11:22. Childish excitement, we love the aquarium.

Coffee, street singers, blue sky, morning light, breeze off the waterfront. I love Seattle in the morning.

Free tickets, fishies, I want to scuba in a giant fish tank!

Little kids everywhere. Yes, we are college students at an aquarium and proud of it! Pausing to take pictures, laughing at God's imagination.

Jellyfish, starfish feel hard and prickly, Nemo, Dory, Seals, Otters are my favorite.

Seattle on a sunny day is glorious. Wandering around Pike's, eating piroshkis, looking at art. Phone in my pocket, jammed full of texts.

Hop back on a bus, homework confronts me as I walk through the door of my room. Sighs, procrastination. Do I really have to study?

Work a little, play a little, work a lot, pause. Friends watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Mug full of tea.

Such a good day off.

Wrapped in a blanket, walking to my chair, about to start another episode. Mug tips, spilt tea. Paper towel, paper towels, more paper towels, soaking up the tea on the floor, on the carpet, on my mood. Sudden fear, pent up worry. Pressing hard on the floor, pressing hard on my soul. Why are you so fragile heart? Why are you so easily fooled? Don't get caught up so easily. Don't conform to this treasures of this world.

So many thoughts, mixed by my blender mind. Guard your heart, guard your mind, guard your soul. Become whole. Through Jesus. And nothing else. Nothing else. God alone. God. Help me. I need your strength desperately. Desperately. So, so desperately.

Small Group

2009-11-11T16:00:00.000-08:00

The second week of leading my small group, the first week we were actually studying Scripture, made my heart nervous. I kept looking at the first chapter of 1 Timothy and wondering what in the world I could teach these 8 girls. I am no theologian, I have no stores of wisdom. Gathering together in my room with Rachael beside me, I felt awkward and stupid, trying to lead something I felt was so far beyond me. What if no one spoke? What if Rachael and I were the only ones holding the group afloat? Is this what they expected, what they wanted from a small group?

But instead of failing me, God completely blew me away. As we opened his Word and studied the words that Paul wrote to his friend Timothy, I was surprisingly blessed. Each girl brought to my attention a different verse I never considered before. Every girl had something so insightful and honest to share. How incredible to feel the pressure of teaching and instead receive the blessing of learning! I was so astonished by how God was already working in our group. Why did I think this group, or God for that matter, needed me to instigate growth? It was a breath of fresh air to be reminded that this small group was God's, he already has his hand in it. I was also reminded of how He is in each girl's mind, soul, and heart, and how the diversity of humanity is so cool. If everyone was the same, how would we ever learn anything?! Needless to say as the evening drew to a close, last comments were made, prayers were uttered and the last girl wandered out of my room, Rachael and I had a little private party. We looked at each other, and our eyes said what our hearts felt. Many jumps of joy and praises to God happened in my room after 9:00 PM that night.

My ardent prayer for our small group is God's continuation of the growth, wisdom, peace, and love he instigated less than two weeks ago. Praise be to God that he brought Chomes, Jill, Cristina, Sarah, Em, Mandy, Melanie, Rachael, Megan and Taylor together into a special community meant to change one another. God is so good.

Epiphany

2009-11-08T11:22:00.000-08:00

Sitting on the ground, hands encircling my favorite mug filled with steaming tea. In the back, near a lamp casting soft light on the floor. An art piece flutters behind me. I look at my program and realize group will be different tonight. People flood in, the normally uncrowded space becomes packed. Smiles and greetings to friends, new and old. The comfort of knowing people warms me. Em and I smile at each other, no need for words. Announcements over, the music starts. It floods over me, the words spill out of my mouth and my heart. Hearing people worship around me, a community together seeking God, so powerful. Lyrics of songs penetrate, become prayers.

You gave your life Jesus. Your life. For me. For my life. You died, so I could live.

Epiphany.

How can I NOT give you my life God? How can I NOT serve you with everything I have, every talent every possession every hope every failure. How can I NOT? I owe you so much more than my life Jesus. But that's all I can give you.

I take this bread, as a symbol of your body. Broken for me. I drink this juice as a symbol of your blood. Shed for me. Not only me, but for everyone. Billions of people, yet so many are unknowing.

Hands raised, threatening tears. Tears of joy. Gratitude. How long it has been since I've cried out of joy.

A Good Monday

2009-11-08T11:13:00.001-08:00

Oh wait, make that a good week. This past week started off so well, with the usually sucky day of Monday turning out awesome! Who has a good Monday? That never happens. My midterms were over, I didn't have a lot of homework, I had a lot of energy, and it was such a beautifully clear, sunny fall day. Every day procededed to be just as good as the one before it...Tuesday was beautiful weather, Wednesday group was a blessing to my soul, Thursday there was a thunderstorm, Friday I skyped with my family and had pizza with two wonderful friends, and then the weekend was here. How God has blessed me this week.
Thanks God.
For an incredible Monday.
For a wonderful week.
For phones, email and skype.
For beautiful friends.
For a loving community.
For your grace.

A Psalm of Lament

2009-11-03T12:17:00.000-08:00

Although bitching about my UFoundations 2000 class is a pasttime I take up often, I have learned, and am learning, so much. One assignment in particular stood out to me and changed my perspective on honesty and bluntness with God and the importance of combining it with a healthy fear of the Lord.

Here is my Psalm of Lament, just like David's hundreds.

God…
God…
God!
God my Creator, omniscient Father who knows me
through and through
“For you created my inmost being, you knit me together
in my mother’s womb.”
O Author of myself, why are you so distant from me?
Why do you feel so disconnected from me? Why do I feel you slip away from my
side the deeper I submerge myself in life?
I wish I could feel you next to me always. I wish I could hear the whisper to pray in my ear all the time. I wish I had an insatiable hunger for your word and living like Jesus did.
Why
do you confuse me with your contradictory qualities? Why does my mind crawl like
a slug through mud when I try to reconcile who you are in one book with who you
are in another?
Why did you obliterate whole nations of people in the Old
Testament? Men, women, and children. Children. Innocent kids. “Let the little
children come to me.” Really?
God, answer my questions.
Don’t let me
flounder in this place of doubt. Reassure me you are who say you are.
Stay
beside me God, don’t forsake me. Don’t leave me alone. I hate feeling on my own.
Be my support, walk with me forever.
Reveal yourself to me. Reveal myself to me.
You created me, you created him, you created her. Re-establish your love
in my life. Reconcile your qualities God, don’t hide from me.
I want to know
you.
Don’t keep me in the dark.
I know you love me. I know you saved me.
I know you watch over me, guide me, call me. Call me. Are calling me. Calling me. Me.
I know you sent Jesus to be my Reedemer, my example of how to live for you on this earth.
How amazing that you love everyone so passionately!
May I live with that passionate love in my heart. May I serve your people and be
your hands, your feet, your heart.
May I be a woman after your own heart.
“I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”
Thank goodness
you are God, and I am not. You are my Creator, my Master, my Compass.
Omniscient and all powerful God, you are bigger than eternity. And yet you created each person so uniquely.
Praise.
Praise.
You deserve so much more than praise.

A Mixed Bag

2009-10-29T10:52:00.000-07:00

A Psalm I rediscovered in UFDN 2000...amazingly that class taught me something new and useful in my spiritual life. I like it because David is honest with God about his hurt, and then re-establishes his trust in God's faithfulness.

Psalm 22

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from helping me, from the words of my groaning?
O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer;
and by night, but find no rest.

Yet you are holy,
enthroned on the praises of Israel.
In you our ancestors trusted;
they trusted, and you delivered them.
To you they cried, and were saved;
in you they trusted, and were not put to shame.

But I am a worm, and not human;
scorned by others, and despised by the people.
All who see me mock at me;
they make mouths at me, they shake their heads;
‘Commit your cause to the LORD; let him deliver—
let him rescue the one in whom he delights!’

Yet it was you who took me from the womb;
you kept me safe on my mother’s breast.
On you I was cast from my birth,
and since my mother bore me you have been my God.
Do not be far from me,
for trouble is near
and there is no one to help.

Many bulls encircle me,
strong bulls of Bashan surround me;
they open wide their mouths at me,
like a ravening and roaring lion.

I am poured out like water,
and all my bones are out of joint;
my heart is like wax;
it is melted within my breast;
my mouth is dried up like a potsherd,
and my tongue sticks to my jaws;
you lay me in the dust of death.

For dogs are all around me;
a company of evildoers encircles me.
My hands and feet have shrivelled;
I can count all my bones.
They stare and gloat over me;
they divide my clothes among themselves,
and for my clothing they cast lots.

But you, O LORD, do not be far away!
O my help, come quickly to my aid!
Deliver my soul from the sword,
my life from the power of the dog!
Save me from the mouth of the lion!

From the horns of the wild oxen you have rescued me.
I will tell of your name to my brothers and sisters;
in the midst of the congregation I will praise you:
You who fear the LORD, praise him!
All you offspring of Jacob, glorify him;
stand in awe of him, all you offspring of Israel!
For he did not despise or abhor
the affliction of the afflicted;
he did not hide his face from me,
but heard when I cried to him.

From you comes my praise in the great congregation;
my vows I will pay before those who fear him.
The poor shall eat and be satisfied;
those who seek him shall praise the LORD.
May your hearts live for ever!

All the ends of the earth shall remember
and turn to the LORD;
and all the families of the nations
shall worship before him.
For dominion belongs to the LORD,
and he rules over the nations.

To him, indeed, shall all who sleep in the earth bow down;
before him shall bow all who go down to the dust,
and I shall live for him.
Posterity will serve him;
future generations will be told about the Lord,
and proclaim his deliverance to a people yet unborn,
saying that he has done it.

And one more quote to describe how I'm feeling this average rainy Thursday in Seattle:

"Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out." - Anton Chekhov

Amen to that. Thank goodness it's fun and filled with people I love. That's truly what makes life worthwhile.

Le Moulin

2009-10-16T12:22:00.000-07:00

Sitting in my newly acquired chair, hearing the rain fall lazily to the ground, seeing the brightly colored leaves out my window, feeling the overcast light, listening to Le Moulin...one of my favorite songs from the Amelie soundtrack that perfectly encompasses this day. Slow, melodic, smooth, lovely piano music that sings me a lullaby. Three weeks have passed since I moved back into the dorm and back into a life I love and cherish, but it actually seems so much longer than that. Summer was lovely, and sometime in the dreariness of winter I'll write a reminiscent post of the best parts of the summer I want to remember on this blog. But right now I've fallen back into routine here, with a few changes of course. Instead of turning left at the Y of 4th Hill, I turn right and call the first door on the right home. My homework load has increased exponentially, but I find all my classes fascinating (most of the time). There are 20 some odd girls living with me again who I've come to know and love like family, and then there are 20 some odd new girls who have just joined the family. My one constant struggle is wanting to get to know the freshman, wanting to hang out with my old friends, doing homework, and trying to have time to do nothing at all. I know a balance will be found, but I hate the process of discovery.

This year has already presented itself with a number of challenges. New rejections, new opportunities, new knowlegde, old conflicts, and new dreams. I'm so looking forward to the rest of this year, and I'm loving how it's going so far. I find myself looking even farther into the future and loving what I see. Incredible friends, a business major with a social enterprise focus, a magic home, and who knows what else will pop up. Keeping myself grounded in the present has always been an issue for me. On the flight over the large pond, I was thinking of all the goals and habits I wanted to start or maintain this year...but at this moment in time, all I feel capable of doing is treading water so I don't drown. I hate feeling inadequate by my own expectations. But I would rather have high aspirations than none at all. Oh weariness, how you weigh on my soul. It's the end of the week, and I need some relaxation, a rest from worry. My dearest wish in the world is to chuck worry out the window. Hm...well...bye bye worry. See you next week. This weekend is reserved for God, friends, me, and good times.

I love fall. It's probably my favorite season. I love the colors, what the change in the leaves represents. I love the crispness of the air, the smell of the ground. I love being able to wear jeans and a jacket. I even love the rain. Eventually it'll wear me down, drench me like the thirsty grass. But right now, I love it, and it's paralellness. Keep on raining Seattle. Keep on lullabying Le Moulin.

Where did September go? I'm dissapointed I didn't write anything in that month. September, a month split between tranquil relaxation and invigorating mayhem. I miss home, Europe. Currently I'm craving France. Which does not happen very often...French culture is not my favorite. But I want to go to a little town with colorful and half-timbered houses, look through their fall markets, drink their coffee, eat their croissants, peruse their antique book stores, listen to their language, their music. I think it's the fall. And the rain.

London town

2009-08-31T12:49:00.000-07:00

"A foggy day, in London town, had me low, had me down..." as Michael Buble's rendition of the song goes, does NOT describe Lindsey's and my visit there. Our trip to London was SO much fun, and the weather was absolutely perfect - sun every day, which does NOT happen all that often in England. The trip fell together semi miraculously...neither of us could spend much money and we found AMAZING tickets, were lucky enough to have the opportunity to stay with great friends, and so we spontaneously went for it. And goodness gracious I'm so glad we did. There were so many things about our London visit that were perfect...being so giddy about actually going we got yelled at on the plane, staying with the Sandersons in their tiny row house, walking till our feet almost fell off in London central, taking a million pictures of ourselves in Starbucks and Kensington Gardens, shopping in Watford, relaxing in the ginormous sunny parks, visiting Windsor and seeing the castle, seeing an informal change of the gaurd at Windsor by chance, having proper cream tea with Julia, watching Wicked in the theatre and looking through opera glasses to see up close, eating our favorite mint candies while cuddled onto a tiny bunkbed, drinking tea every morning, afternoon and evening, playing in the one rain shower we had our last day, and buying a shared Paddington Bear button with the very last of our pence. And possibly the best part of it, was the company. I've known Lindsey for ten years, and I can happily say we are still best friends. I've been so blessed to know her, and the trip only helped our relationship to grow even closer. I don't know what I would've done without her this summer. All in all, I'm so thankful God, my parents, and ourselves made this dream become a reality. London town is, undoubtedly, a love.

A Walk

2009-08-29T13:30:00.000-07:00

School started up again for my brother and parents this past week...which means me staying at home alone with the dog. Even though there have been a few "crazy lady talking to her dog" moments, and it's only been one week and I have four more to go, I have enjoyed being alone. In the morning after my body's shifted out of achey sleep mode, I take Snickers for a walk. Even though Snickers is my family's dog, and I just met him two months ago, he and I have become great buds. (See, there's another "crazy lady talking to her dog" moment.) So, this morning around eleven AM I threw on shorts and a t-shirt, grabbed Snick's leash, and we headed out the door for our morning constitutional. The moment I set foot on our driveway and felt the cool breeze, I knew something was different about today. It smelled like fall. There was no humidity, no heavy sweetness to the air. A crisp freshness replaced the normal summer heat. The sun was still as bright in the azure sky, it's beams almost as strong as they pushed apart round clouds. It smelled like autumn, but it looked like summer...one of those Indian summer days. As we continued walking the chilly air blew my hair off my neck and the sun warmed my back as we turned a corner and took a different route than normal. We headed down an old tractor road, crossed a small stream, and walked between walls of corn and tall grass. I slipped my shoes off and felt the rhythm of my feet pound into the hard earth. Snickers bounded ahead of me and behind me, stopping to smell anything that caught his fancy. As we walked I was struck with the beauty of this place. The colors, the textures, the smells, the quality of life. I am living in a fairytale. I love the simplictiy of farm life. Living off the land. And yet I look to the horizon and the green hills and distant mountains and bustling cities speak of such majesty. If I were to truly answer the question, "Where's the most beautiful place on earth," the answer would be here. Home. Holzen. Germany. Breathing in the air that is changing as each inch passes beneath me, I walk on peacefully. Even though I am so anxious to go to school, to start another year, to see my friends, and even though I am so worried about money and people I love, I feel at peace. I know this is where I am supposed to be, where God wants me. Here, in the beauty of His creation, near my dear family, alone with myself and my thoughts.

Germany

2009-07-05T14:37:00.000-07:00

11:28 PM

I climb into bed and pick up where I left off in my book. My window is wide open, and I can feel the night's darkness seep into the room as well as the rain's refreshing moisture. Just before my mind slips into the world of my book, I hear a faint sound drifting through the partially closed shutters previously blocking the scorching midday sun. Pushing back my duvet, my feet hit the wooden floor and try to avoid the squeaky planks as I lean my hands on the cold marble windowsill and tip my head out the window. A soft, smooth, trumpet melody is being played somewhere out in the night. Each lonely note flows into the next. I follow its proud, solemn, beautiful tune until the last note seeps into the countryside like the softly falling raindrops. A muffled cheer follows the trumpet's solo, and I remember there was a fest taking place today. I smile at the image of my village gathered at the park under the huge tent pitched for festivals, beer in hand, more beer in stomach. A soprano bird cry breaks my daydreaming, its high peaceful call lulling the land to sleep. The forest is fathomless black, punctuated by a few houses lit from within. Every sound, every smell, every image, is Germany to me. So unexpected, yet so traditional, so simple, yet so beautiful, so forgotten, yet so proud. This is why I love this place, and partly why it is home. Tonight, is Germany distilled.

Wait...it's summer?

2009-06-20T11:28:00.000-07:00

My brain feels like it's perpetually behind the rest of my life. Wait, next week is finals? Wait, I have to study? Wait, I have to pack up my room? Wait, my room looks like a bare white ghost of what it used to be? Wait, Em and I have to drive 1,000 miles? Wait, I fly home in 2 days? Wait, I'm in Europe? I've been desperately trying to catch up with my life as it throttles past me. I'm a sophomore! How did that happen...my painful graduation seems like 10 years ago, yet at the same time only a week ago. How foolish I was to think I would never find friends like the ones I had (and still have) in high school.

So much has happened since I last blogged. Finals came and went, and weren't really so terrible, but finals week held more than just tests. So much lovely procrastination went on during the last weeks of school with friends...playing quelf, watching movies, being crazy after floor hours, bubble tea, exploring downtown Seattle, Beth's, talking, and just enjoying each other. I can't adequately describe how blessed I have been this year, or how good God has been to me when it comes to relationships. In only a year, I've found incredible friends who not only love me, but want to see me grow in my faith with Jesus, and I have the same prayer for them.

One of the people I have been so blessed to know and live with this year is Em, and after our last final, we packed up the little blue toaster of a car, said many many sad goodbyes, and set off for San Fran, California on our roadtrip. So many memories, so many "oops" moments, so many laughs, so many good songs blasting out of the speakers, so much independence, so much exhaustion, so much excitement. We were just two girls who drove 1,000 miles down the Oregon and California coast, saw some of God's most beautiful handiwork, and ended up at the small, peaceful haven of the Weissman home. My time at Em's house was lovely, a good time to relax, sight see, and spend time with people dear to Em's heart. I can't emphasize how amazing it was to be in Em's hometown, to be a part of her past, to experience the loving community she has there. I saw a part of her I never had before. Now I have a fuller understanding of who she is, a rounder grasp of the girl who's become a part of my everyday life. Nevertheless, I was ready to go home.

Fifteen hours of traveling doesn't bode well with an impatient girl who just wants to get home. But, I made it, with very few problems, and when I smelled the familiar scent of my house and was greeted by my family's adorable new puppy, I was relieved to be home. My first few days back have been lazy days of quality time with my mom and brother, since my dad is in the states and won't come back for a few days. So many things feel familiar, but every little thing that has changed since I left gives me a small jolt, a miniature electric shock. When my high school starts up again in September I'll really feel out of place. But my family's and friends' (the few that are here) love still ties me to this place.

Thank goodness for love. Love has been such a theme of this past year, and I haven't really realized it till now. In the movie I watched tonight there was a line that claimed "Love isn't a feeling, it's an ability." I'm not sure to what percent I find this true. If love is an ability, that would assume that like all abilities, some can do it better than others. Some are gifted in love and others not. Some just can't love, they don't have the ability. I think that is...a bunch of crap. I like to believe what my dad used to tell me, and what I used to fight against so strongly but have now come to agree with: "Love, is a choice." Obviously emotion, attraction, and passion go along with love, but when it comes down to it, and you're married to the same man for 47 years with 4 kids, 7 grandchildren, arthritis, and leaky old water pipes, love is an everyday decision. And, strangely enough, I think that's more beautiful than anything else.

The Sun and the Rain

2009-05-23T16:23:00.000-07:00

As I sit at my desk, the sun pours into my room and I can feel it toast my skin. The weather has been absolutely sublime these days, with a few thunderstorms and rain showers thrown in here and there to keep us Seattlites on our toes. I feel like my life is highly comparable to the weather. Most things have been going swimmingly, and I'm having loads of fun and laughter in the process, but there has been the occasional lightning bolt and thunder clap.

Right now I'm just relaxing after a long day (6 hours total) of tech rehearsal. See Rock City is going so well, and I love the play a bit more every time we run it. The show, as well as the small cast and crew, are getting more and more familiar and I find myself getting more and more comfortable with them. They're lovely people, and although I used to be intimidated by them I find myself laughing uproariously and being ridiculous right alongside them. Even though I've complained about the long hours of rehearsal and every evening that gets snapped up by the show, I'm so deeply thankful for this experience. I love the theatre, every part of it, and I'm so excited to join the ranks of SPU's actors and perhaps continue to act in the next three years. It's so exciting to me that I'm actually in a real college production on a real stage in a real theatre. The things I missed doing theatre at my small highschool (don't get me wrong, I loved every minute of it) I'm finally experiencing here at SPU. One of my passions seems to be getting fulfilled, and that's such a satisfying feeling.

However, the other huge part of me that loves to use my voice to sing, praise God, and lead worship is sitting stagnant. I auditioned for a campus worship band called group, and didn't get in. Even though I know it was because both vocalists stayed on from last year and they really didn't have a spot for me, it still dragged me down. I thought I had prepared myself for rejection, but I found myself trying not to cry as I talked to my dad about it over the phone. It was crushing to me that so much of my heart, perhaps even more than is devoted to theatre, is dedicated to and passionate about worship music and doesn't get a chance to be heard. It made me angry that auditions aren't based on passion, or perhaps even talent, but on which spots are open. I realized later this was an unfair statement, because I know the people on group staff are passionate about worship, but it's still just frustrating. The week I found out about group was a discouraging one, definitely a rain cloud, because I felt all doors were closed to me. I know there are still oppourtunities, I'm just not good at finding the hidden ones. I don't know if God's pushing me away from leading worship, or if He's pushing me towards a different way of leading worship.

Besides that thunderstorm, and a few other little ones involving boys, money, and a summer job, my life has been all sunshine. Friends here at school just keep getting better and better, and I come to love them more each day. I'm SO looking forward to next year and living on this floor with Em, taking new classes, being involved with Theatre, possibly being a uPod leader, and starting my new job at Academic Services! That was a ginormous praise, getting the job I interviewed for at Student Academic Services. It's the perfect job for me and I'm so thankful that God provided. Even before next year is this summer, which I'm also looking forward to. If I don't get a summer job, that might be a little downer, but there will be pros and cons either way. I'm just excited to be with my family, live in Europe again, not wear any makeup, read books, scrapbook, swim, and relax.

It's easy for me to let the rain showers in my life soak the rest of my sunshiney heart, but I'm slowly learning to use an umbrella. I suppose I should be thankful for the thunderstorms in life, because they make the blue-sky green-grass days all the more sweeter and all the more vibrant.

Love is Patient

2009-05-07T22:16:00.000-07:00

It's amazing to me that first impressions still leave a signifcant mark on my perception of a person. First impressions are so often (dare I say always?) wrong, and yet they still influence how I see people. Anytime I'm in a new situation, a new place, a new chapter in my life, I categorize the people around me. Of course I don't do it on purpose, it just sort of happens. I pick out people I meet and label them as "really cool" or "crazy outgoing" and make it a goal to get to know them. Others I meet stay in my mind only as long as sand stays in a sieve. It makes me cringe realizing I do this.

Lately, my first impressions of people have gotten a little skewed. As I've gotten to know the incredible people around me, my floor, my classmates, my theatre buddies, my coworkers, everything has tilted off balance. I've realized that my impressions of people are sometimes the complete opposite of who they really are. As you get to know someone, dive deeper into their mind, their personality, their idiosyncracies, you find things you would have never guessed had been there. The quiet girl turns into an incredibly wise and loving woman of God who is so invested in the people around her. The nerdy guy turns into a sharp-witted conversationalist who makes you feel comfortable the moment you start talking to him. The bubbly girl turns into a sensitive ball of emotions who relies on what others think of her and is so focused on the male sex.

It seems so injust to categorize people by what you immediately see. There is so much more to a person. Humans are God's most intricate and amazing creation. Every person has a story, as I'm reminded every time I hear another floormate's life story. I am compelled to agree with Anna's recent realization. Why can't we simply love people? Why must I judge?

I hate the awkward "getting to know you" stage in a relationship. Absolutely loathe it. I wish I could just open the locked door to a person's heart, step inside and explore. I long for that freedom every day. Why are people so slow to give of themselves? Why are people gaurded? In the environment I grew up in, people were so OPEN. There were disadvantages as well as advantages, but I loved sharing myself with someone new and learning about them, and bridging every topic of conversation ever known to man without rules of society and what's proper "getting to know you" protocol getting in the way.

The sad thing is, I've become like this as well, closing myself off because I'm afraid to be the first to hand over my key.

As I try to gather the scattered thoughts of this ramble, my heart whispers a verse.

1 John 4:16-18 ~ And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears in not made perfect in love.

Inevitably, at the heart of this issue is patience, as is at the heart of SO many of my frustrations. Love is patient. I am trying to learn how to be patient with people, though patience is not the fruit of the spirit I have in hoards. It was doled out to me quite sparingly. Well my friends, as I learn to love through patience, perhaps you could help me out, and give me one more peek into the guarded chamber we call "me."

Life Narrative

2009-04-20T19:25:00.000-07:00

A few friends showed me this incredible site where you can make "word clouds" out of any body of text or website. I fell in love almost immediately. I love words.
This word cloud came from an assignment I had to do my first week of college. Our professor asked us to write our "Life Narrative." It was only three pages. Sad. Thankfully I'm still only 18 years old..."I am 18 going on 19."

Choices

2009-04-15T18:24:00.000-07:00

Lately, and by lately I mean the past three weeks, there seems to be a multitude of choices in my life. Most of them didn't seem to exist until just recently, and I feel like my mind looks like my desk at the moment - cluttered with numerous papers, bills, ticket stubs, letters, pictures, applications, and homework. My first instinct is to simply ignore all the decisions for a while until they become distant nagging thoughts in the corners of my mind. My second instinct is to deal with it all at once, which could cause me to overlook important things or make rash decisions. I now find myself past both of those options and searching for a third. My overthinking mind, obviously and unfortunately is connected to my body, and is therefore always with me. Too bad you can't take a vacation from your mind. Sometimes I think that would be nice.

Decisions about my current job, finding a job for the summer, applying to my major and minor, making sure I really want to be in my major and minor, which ministry I want to be involved in, whether I want to do more plays next year, and so many more complicated decisions loom in front of me. What complicates it even more are the relationships I've made with such wonderful people, and my desire to maintain the relationships I've already built with my own sweat and blood. These old friends have become my family over the past nine years. It makes me ache inside when I realize I haven't actually had a real conversation with my best friend in two months. Communication with people who are a part of me have slowly slipped into wall posts and picture comments on facebook. I know my time is spread thin, but will the upcoming decisions I have to make spread it even thinner?

I want control in my life. I have faced this fact again and again, because it is something that is so engrained into who I am. I want to pick and choose what I want to do, not apply and see what I end up in! That is so nerve-wracking and frustrating to me. I want to plan my life so that everything is perfectly lined up and I can fulfill every single one of my passions - music, acting, friends, missionary work, children, photography, dancing, boys, traveling.

The other night Hill put on a worship service that was a balm to my soul. Not only was the music fantastic, but the words of the songs spoke to my heart. Afterwards, I asked one of my wonderful friends to pray with me. We prayed for each other, and it was amazing to feel the connection that faith and a passion for God can form. One thing she told me she was learning has reverberated in my head the past few days. She said that she trys to tell God everyday: "Let your will be done in my life today God." But she decided, as did I, to change the way she relinquishes control. Instead, I need to be proactively asking God, "Is THIS what you want in my life? Is THIS your will?" I remember my dad telling me that God wouldn't supernaturally write the name of the college I was supposed to go to in the clouds, but that the pieces would fall together. On the road of life, God can't steer a stationary car, only a moving one.

As I looked back through the previous list of decisions, I realized that I'm incredibly blessed to have any of these choices. Instead of choices, I need to look at them as opportunities. God has given me these opportunities. God has given me so much, including His Son, as I was reminded by Easter and Holy Week. Thank God He has risen. He has risen indeed.

Found it!

2009-03-15T18:31:00.000-07:00

So, I was curious if my last blogger account had gotten deleted...but I did a little google stalking...and found...

MY OLD BLOG!
http://inspiracionesvivas.blogspot.com/

I really want to give some disclaimers for the things I've written on that blog...but I won't...except that I was young. It's amazing what 2/3 years can do to a girl. Just don't laugh TOO hard at me...well actually...feel free to tease...because even I find myself pretty ridiculous.

oh, and just in case you were wondering...it took me a good 8 minutes to login to my blog. Hah...passwords and I don't get along.

A Second (or Third or Fourth) Try

2009-03-15T15:55:00.000-07:00

I was almost positive I had already created a blog years ago until I tried to login to blogger and failed numerous times despite my trying every possible username and password combination I could think of. The reason I wanted to find my blog again is because I was inspired to write and keep a blog by one of my new friends I met at college. I stumbled across her blog and was intrigued by her posts and the intimate nature of what she shared. I recently started college at Seattle Pacific University, and I've found that so many things I've experienced and learned compell me to mull over them and record my thought process. So, all this to say, I decided to forget about my past xanga and blogs, and create a new blog that will chronicle my thoughts through college and hopefully beyond...if I can remember my password.

I'll keep you posted ;-)

Jillian